What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
