you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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