my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
