My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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