When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
