shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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