I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
