I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
