Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
