apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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