Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
