I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
