I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
