He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize