I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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