i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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