My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
