idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
