Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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