You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
