I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
