I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
