My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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