It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
