I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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