sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
