You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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