Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
