we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
