I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
