We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
