You're my little dorito
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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