Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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