Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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