anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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