I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
