sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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