6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
