need another drink. this is the easiest way
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize