The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
