it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
