I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
