my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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