You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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