I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize