Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
