On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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