Umm I'm too high to move.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
