My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize