the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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