I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
