Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
