This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
