well I can't set my house on fire every night
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
