We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
