i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
