he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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