I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
