if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
