so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize