god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
