He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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