he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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