Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dignity is for republicans.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Vodka?
Forever.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
