Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
