So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
