I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Drake has all the answers
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
