Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize