In America we eat man semen.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
