Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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