You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
